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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Does Your Ex Want You Back Or Are You Refusing to Accept Reality? By Christine Akiteng

Refusing to accept reality or optimistic denial is so common that sometimes men and woman who are trying to get their ex back come across as unreasonable in their thoughts and attitudes -- even acting like their ex owes them something.

Even when they intellectually understand that they are broken up, they find it really hard to accept -- and even feel confused - that someone who once loved them is now acting like a different person. This provokes intense emotional anguish:

-- "Why is he doing this to me?"

-- "So why does she want to talk to me now?"

-- "Why did she say she's never been happier with anyone else, but then dumps me?"

-- "Why does he say he loves me but doesn't want a relationship?"

-- "How could he move on so quickly? Didn't our relationship mean anything?"

Often times denial is simply a case of not wanting to look at the real problem...

As they try to cope with overwhelming feelings of rejection, uncertainty and unpredictability, some people look for diversions or distractions that help them deal with the unacceptable reality.

This is what I call the "escapist's trap"; a subtle but dangerous game in which the mind creatively rearranges information, distorts situational cues, and misinterprets the meanings of certain messages, all in a clumsy attempt to avoid addressing the real problem(s) and avoid personal responsibility. Quite often the mind engages in this dangerous game because there is part of the unacceptable reality that the person doesn't want to admit to (even to him or herself), so he or she tries to place the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else.

A few examples of "escapist's traps" include:

-- My ex is damaged and needs therapy;

-- My ex has commitment issues/ phobia;

-- My ex is very stubborn, nothing will work;

-- I think s/he is testing me;

-- My plate is full at the moment;

-- Everybody says I am wasting my time;

-- If only X would happen, everything would be fine!

These statements work as perceptual filters placed over reality only allowing in selective information that puts the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else. Even when empirical evidence suggests otherwise, the person finds ways to repress, minimize, misdirect, reinterpret or explain away information that does not filter through his or her perceptual filters.

Denial gives you the excuse to keep going unchanged because facing reality is too painful...
For example your ex might say:

--"I felt like something was missing", but what you hear is "I have problems with commitment";

-- "You're needy, clingy and controlling" but what you hear is "I am not good enough for a very loving person like you";

-- "You're too nice" but what you hear is "I am addicted to bad boys" ;

-- "I need space to figure out things for myself" but what you hear is "It's over!"

-- "I do not know about us" but what you hear is "You're wasting your time, nothing will work."

This is perhaps not so surprising given the fact people who tend to creatively rearrange information, distort situational cues, and misinterpret the meanings of certain messages to create a contrived reality, are risk and pain averse in the first place. They are so consumed with trying to avoid negative consequences and undesirable outcomes, to the point that they may not have even seen the breakup coming because they saw what they wanted to see or heard what they want to hear and didn't want to know, hear or see anything else that threatened their contrived view of reality. Now that the relationship has ended, the entire focus of their energy, effort and time is another contrived reality.

-- "I don't think she's happy without me"

-- "I think he misses me"

-- "I think she wants me contact to her"

-- "I think he wants to call me but is afraid I might not pick up the phone"

-- "Its the other man/woman controlling him/her"

And its not like the person is willfully lying. Its just that their reality becomes distorted, as they convince themselves about what is really going on.

A contrived reality has you working backwards instead of moving forward...

Instead of taking the necessary steps that will turn things around

-- like being less needy or controlling, stop trying too hard to please, become more interesting
and exciting, and all the other things may be making you less attractive, you are obsessed with getting your ex to go to therapy when he doesn't really need it; or you're trying to help an ex overcome commitment phobia when the reality is that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you because you're missing some of the qualities she's looking for in a guy; or you're doing no contact to try to make your ex miss you but only end up creating an even wider distance between the two of you. What a waste of energy, effort and time!

Escape from reality coupled with the feeling that you cant do anything at all puts you in a passive and dependent role

-- a victim to whom things are done. You find yourself feeling like you lack the emotional and psychological resources necessary to deal with trying to get your ex back; spending a lot of our time deciding what to do; and constantly trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Denial wont stop the reality from being real...

And even if your ex needed therapy or has commitment issues or phobia, a contrived view of reality creates a poor or very false sense of understanding of the complexity and scale of problem you pretend to address or handle. Trying to simplify the problem in order to lower exposure to threat and risk confuses the mind further making any attempts at attracting an ex back much more difficult.

It is important to understand that the escapist trap or use of escapist strategies, on most part, is not a deliberate attempt to distort information or sabotage the chances of attracting back an ex back, but a rather a reaction to the complexity of uncertainty and the need to deny personal responsibility. Sometimes, people who use escape strategies to try to attract their ex back are not even aware of their real agendas, but present the problem, often with perfect integrity, as the way they see it.

Refusing to accept reality or optimistic denial is a trap you must free yourself from...

If you are to succeed in attracting your ex back, it is imperative that you move beyond this denial as soon as possible. Your ex may even want you back, but the escapist strategies you're using make it hard to attract your ex back. And you wonder why nothing is working!

About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.

Christine AkitengLevel: PlatinumA zealous and inspirational figure with a captivating energy that pulls people to her, Internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach, Christine Akiteng is a dazzling icon ... ...


Rena said...

Great stuff! I use to fall in a lot of the headlines listed. Does he want me back or not. All the what if's. Until I learned to love myself, was when things started to turn around for me. Love thy self!
Thanks for sharing your brilliance with the world.