Motivation and How to Get Motivated

Motivation has become a popular word nowadays. There are motivational coaches and speakers, and motivational books and articles. What is it actually, and why do you need it?

Motivation is a driving force. In order to accomplish anything, you need a driving force, otherwise nothing will happen. A wish is not strong enough to make you take action. A wish is a weak desire.

Only a strong desire can drive forward, to act and accomplish aims and goals.

In order to get motivated, you need to know exactly what it is that you want, to possess a strong desire, and to be willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal.

More than often there is lack of motivation or only a short-lived one. How many times have you started enthusiastically a weight loss program, began a bodybuilding or aerobics training program or started to learn a foreign language, only to stop after a short while? Few people possess enough willpower and self-discipline to go through to the end with what they begin (this is one of the reasons I have written the book "Will Power and Self Discipline").

It easier to show motivation in connection with a subject that is dear to you. If you desire something, but you don't feel motivated enough to act, this means that the desire is not important enough. To be motivated to take action and do something in respect to your desire, you need to possess a really strong desire.

Motivation has much to do with the emotions and the imagination, which means that if you want to increase it, you have to work on your feelings and imagination.

Tips to increase your motivation:

1. Think, meditate and find out whether you really want to achieve your desire, and whether it is worth the effort and time.

2. Make your goal very clear. Writing it down will help.

3. Think often about your goal or desire.

4. Visualize your goal as already accomplished, and close your mind to contrary thoughts.

5. Read books or articles about the subject of your goal.

6. Read about people who have achieved success.

7. Think often about the benefits you will gain by achieving your goal.

8. Visualize, and think about how you would feel after achieving your goal.

9. Repeat positive affirmations such as: "I have the desire and inner strength to achieve my goal". Repeat this affirmation often, with faith and strong feelings.

10. Start with doing something small concerning your goal. Success in small matters leads to greater success.

Motivation is the powerful engine that moves you towards success and accomplishments in every area.

-----------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and

Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.

Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

Do You Prefer Stress, Anxiety, Fear, Panic or Peace of Mind

Do you live in a state of constant stress, anxiety, fear and panic, or do you enjoy peace of mind?

Do you let external influences affect your moods and state of mind, or do possess inner strength and detachment?

Are you obsessed by fearful thoughts and worries, or do you have control over your thoughts?

Too many people are anxious, stressed, worry too much, subject to moods and have no control over their thoughts and feelings. This situation leads to emotional, mental and physical problems, unhappiness and failure.

The truth is that that situation can be changed. Inner peace can be developed, just like other skill. You can gain a state of inner peace and inner strength that nothing can shake.

Inner peace, which is peace of mind, is not the sole possession of yogis and hermits. You too can enjoy it without becoming a yogi or a hermit.

There is an erroneous concept relevant, which says that peace of mind is sought and can be attained only by people who lead a completely spiritual life in ashrams or monasteries. Some even think that real peace of mind is an illusion and cannot be attained. These are erroneous assumptions. Some might attain a higher level of peace and others a lower level, yet everyone can gain at least some measure of inner peace. Such peace will certainly improve the quality of life, health, relationships and everything else.

There are various treatments for stress, anxiety, fears and panic attacks. Some involve psychological help, some use hypnosis and others involve the use of medications. All these treatments involve external help. There is another way to handle these problems, which does not involve external help. It is through inner work and training.

Don't be afraid of the word words inner training and work. You are not required to do impossible things. A mental training program for peace of mind starts from really simple actions, which you can incorporate in your daily life. They include a change of attitude, being more positive, developing of inner detachment, developing some control over the thinking process and later, also some special meditations aimed toward increasing the level of inner peace.

Stress, anxieties, worries, fear and panic start in the mind. They start as thoughts, which grow in strength and affect your behavior, actions and habits. Your thoughts and attitudes act like a filter, a screen or lenses, through which you see the world in a particular way, which does not always depicts reality. Your aim is to be more aware of them, and use certain techniques to stop their power over you. There is no reason to go on through life being at the mercy of uncontrolled thoughts, feelings, anxieties, worries and fears.

You can transform your life! You can change the state of your mind! Even a small amount of inner peace would do a great deal to you. Are you afraid of some effort? Can't you spare just a few minutes for making your mind and life a little calmer, with less fear and worries?

'Peace of Mind in Daily Life' is a book that goes into detail about this most important subject. It teaches in simple and easy to follow progressive steps how to attain this coveted state of inner peace, right here where you are, without the necessity of making any outer changes in your life.

True peace starts from the inside, and is independent of external conditions.

Here are a few tips to help you start:

# Learn to use the replacement method, of changing every negative thought, as it arises, into a positive thought. Don't fight negative thoughts, just divert your attention a positive thoughts or mental images.

# Write down and keep a list of inspiring and uplifting quotes, and read them several times a day.

# Think positive and inspiring thoughts before falling asleep.

# Though it might not be so easy, try to keep an attitude inner detachment in dealing with difficult or unpleasant people. Don't take too personally their remarks or criticism.

# Don't watch thrillers or action movies on TV before going to bed or falling asleep.

# Reduce the number of times you listen to the news on the radio or TV. Know what is going on in the world, but there is no need to constantly fill your mind with news that cause you stress or fear.

# Repeat positive affirmations several times a day. Do so also when you feel stress or fear.

Here are a few examples:

- I feel peace and tranquility filling my mind and body.

- My mind is calm, like a lake on a quiet summer day.

- I feel calm relaxed and peaceful.

- I am a center of peace, calmness and happiness.

-----------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and

Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.

Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

A Conversation on Living in the Present

Nothing is worth more than this day.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.
Alan Watts

Living in the present means being aware and conscious of what you are doing, feeling and thinking at the present moment. It means shifting your attention to the present moment and dealing with it effectively, instead of focusing on the past or future. The past has gone away and you cannot change it, and the future is the outcome of the present, of the way you think, feel and act now.

True living occurs in the present moment, the only moment that exists.

Below you will find a conversation between a teacher and a pupil about living in the present. This is an excerpt from the book 'Peace of Mind in Daily Life'.

Teacher: Living in the present moment helps you to avoid worries, fears and anxieties, and wasting your time on futile and negative thoughts.

If you keep thinking about the past, you allow all kinds of emotions and thoughts to rise into your consciousness, affecting the way you feel and think. Most often, such reminiscing disturbs the mind and agitates it, which is the opposite of peace of mind.

It is the same with thinking about the future. It is okay if you devote some time to thinking about it and planning it, but if you just keep dwelling on it and worrying about it, you are keeping peace of mind away.

The best approach would be to direct your attention to the present moment, to what you are doing and what is happening around you at each moment. By occupying your mind with the present moment you keep your mind busy, and don't make room for worries, anxieties, fears or unpleasant memories.

Pupil: Do you mean to say that I should not think about the past and the future?

Teacher: Learn from the past and plan for the future, but don't dwell too much on them. You cannot change the past and you cannot yet live in the future. The only place where you can live and act is in the present. Actually, what you do in the present affects your future.

Reliving past events in your mind and daydreaming about the past or the future, keep the mind busy with endless thoughts, but if you focus your mind on the present moment, you don't make room in your mind for unnecessary and disturbing thoughts or emotions.

Living in the present means that you direct your attention to what is happening now, enjoying it and making the most of it. By focusing your mind on the present, you don't have time or opportunity to wallow in useless and negative thoughts and emotions relating to the past or the future.

Wake up to the present moment and live in it. The past happened and is over, so what is the use of reliving it?

You lose peace of mind if you constantly live in the past and think and visualize events that have already happened. You also gain nothing by worrying about the future. On the other hand, concentrating on the present moment, on what is happening or what you are doing right now, frees you of unnecessary, burdensome and unpleasant thoughts and emotions, and brings peace into your mind.

An excerpt from the book 'Peace of Mind in Daily Life'.
-----------------------------------------------------------
© Copyright Remez Sasson
Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and

Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.

Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

20 Reasons Why You Need Inner Peace and Tranquility

Inner peace is not reserved only to yogis, hermits or monks, living in some far away place, praying or meditating all day long. It can also be attained by people living an ordinary life, who have a job, are married and have kids.

What is inner peace? It is a state of being emotionally and mentally at peace, without restless or disturbing thoughts, and being in control of one's mind, moods and reactions.

True inner peace is independent of external conditions and circumstances, and is acquired through special training. It confers tranquility, inner harmony and balance, and the ability to remain calm, undisturbed and in control of oneself and of the situation in difficult and unpleasant situations. It is is important not only while things move smoothly, but especially in times of trouble, difficulties or danger. Then it counts most.

A state of inner peace eliminates anxieties, fears and worries, negative thoughts, stress, lack of satisfaction and unhappiness. It is a state of emotional and mental poise, happiness, confidence and inner strength.

Though everyone desires it, albeit unconsciously, few realize its importance and benefits, and still fewer know that it is a skill that can be learned and developed. You can continue living where you are, without making external changes in your life, and yet attain inner peace. Some might progress fast and some at a slower pace. Some might reach far and others not so far, yet, everyone can make some progress that will transform their life.

Here are 20 reasons why you need inner peace:

1. It improves your ability to concentrate.

2. It improves your ability to handle efficiently the daily affairs of life.

3. It increases your inner strength and power.

4. Its possession eliminates impatience, anger, nervousness and restlessness.

5. It helps manifesting patience, tolerance and tact.

6. It makes you feel centered, grounded and stable.

7. Being mentally and emotionally calm contributes to enjoying better sleep.

8. You gain the ability to be emotionally and mentally unaffected by what people think or say about you.

9. You gain the ability to eliminate stress, anxieties and worries.

10. You enjoy happiness and bliss.

11. You gain self mastery and self discipline.

12. It helps you relax your body and nerves.

13. The healing energies of the body work unhindered.

14. Being peaceful enables you not to be swayed by events, hardships and difficulties, and to maintain inner poise, clear judgement and common sense in such situations.

15. Inner peace eliminates negative, futile and restless thinking.

16. It improves your relationships with other people.

17. It makes life look brighter.

18. It increases creativity.

19. A peaceful mind improves the abiliy to meditate.

20. Possessing this ability opens the gateway to enlightenment and spiritual awakening.
There are various ways to attain inner peace, such as psychological means, affirmations, visualization, yoga and meditation. A full program on this subject, written in a manner and language everyone can understand and follow, with instructions, advice and exercises, can be found in the book Peace of Mind in Daily Life.

-----------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.

Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

Creative Visualization and Letting Go

Almost every writer about creative visualization advises to visualize for only a few minutes, preferably several times a day, and then to let go, and forget your mental image until the next time. They say that of you don't do so, what you visualize will not materialize.

What is the rationale behind this idea? Why not visualize for half an hour or whenever you have the time? Isn't it more reasonable to believe that more time devoted to visualization will bring faster results?

If you are able to concentrate easily, and to hold away unwanted thoughts, for as long as you wish, then it is okay if you visualize for longer periods. The fact is that most people do not have control over their minds. They cannot hold their minds on one single thought more than a few moments, before other thoughts come. If they think about a particular goal, soon contradictory thoughts pop up, and negative thoughts start storming the mind, neutralizing any previous positive thoughts.

Most people have doubts and little faith, when thinking about goals and ambitions. Their minds are inclined to negative thinking and worrying. After a little time of positive visualization, doubts and lack of belief rise and sabotage their efforts. Impatience also rises, because they find it difficult to focus their minds on one thought.

All this means that if you focus your mind on a certain goal for too long, at a certain point you will unconsciously begin to repel and push it away, and consequently accomplish nothing.

Your predominant thoughts and mental attitude rule and interfere with whatever you think about. You may be able to disregard them and think positively for a few minutes, but after a little while they win. This is why it is advisable to start with short periods of visualizing your goals, until you gradually change your mental attitude. If you are able, through various methods, to adopt a predominant positive attitude, and also develop patience and the ability to concentrate, then you will be able to visualize effectively for longer periods.

There is another reason why it is advised not to constantly think about your goal. By freeing your conscious mind from excessive thinking, you make it easier for information, intuition, ideas, inspiration and motivation to pass from the subconscious mind to the conscious mind. This also enables the conscious mind to be more aware of any opportunity that pops up, and allows your subconscious mind to motivate you to take action, and to make the necessary effort to achieve your goals.

It is important to add that if your desire is really strong, you will carry it in the back of your head, even if you don't consciously think about it.

----------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.
Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

12 Tips for Overcoming Anger and Gaining Peace by Remez Sasson

Anger appears when one is confronted with frustration, unhappiness or hurt feelings, or when plans don't turn out as desired. It also shows up when coming against opposition or criticism.

Anger never helps anyone. It wastes your energy, and can hurt your health, spoil your relationships, and cause you to miss opportunities. Getting angry is acting against your best interests.

Things don't always proceed according to plans and expectations. People not always act the way you wish them to act. You may not be always able to be in control of external influences and conditions, but you can certainly learn to control your attitude and reactions. There is no sense of allowing circumstances and people to pull your strings and affect your mind and feelings. You can choose not to let what people say and do affect your moods. You can maintain an inner attitude of emotional and mental detachment, and refuse to allow every minor event play with your feelings and evoke anger.

I often see people getting angry over unimportant and insignificant matters. Some insignificant remark or action, not getting a satisfactory reply to a question or just moodiness are enough to set fire and cause anger, snappy remarks, arguments and even physical fights. This is absolutely unnecessary. Life can be happier without this behavior.

Anger is a negative reaction, and if you wish to progress on the path of self-improvement or spiritual growth you should avoid it as much as possible.

Learning to calm down the restlessness of the mind and gaining peace of mind, is one of the best and most effective methods to overcome anger, and in fact, all negative emotions.

If you are willing to invest the time and energy, you will reap great rewards. Peace of mind will not only help you overcome anger, but also help you overcome anxiety and negative thinking, and enable you to stay calm, tranquil and self possessed in difficult and trying situations.

Peace of mind requires the development of an attitude of emotional and mental detachment, which is of vital importance for overcoming and avoiding anger. It protects you against being too affected by what people think, say or do, and is therefore highly recommended. Detachment is not an attitude of indifference and lack of sensitivity. It is an attitude of common sense and inner strength and leads to peace of mind.

I would like to suggest a few simple tips for inner detachment and peace of mind, which will help you overcome anger:

1. Devote a few minutes, at least once a day, to thinking on how much your life would be better without anger.

2. When you feel anger arising in you, start breathing deeply and slowly several times.

3. You may, instead of breathing deeply, or better still, in addition to it, count slowly from one to ten. This will delay your angry reaction and weaken it.

4. Drinking some water has a calming effect on the body.

5. Try to be more patient, no matter how difficult it might be.

6. Be more tolerant toward people, even toward people you don't like.

7. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. You can disagree with people, but still maintain tact and diplomacy.

8. Choose to react calmly and peacefully in every situation. Try again and again, regardless of how many times you lose control and get angry.

9. Positive thinking makes it easier to disregard remarks and behavior that otherwise could cause anger.

10. Try to manifest at least some self-control, self-discipline and more common sense.

11. Don't take everything too seriously. It is not worth it.

12. Find reasons to laugh more often.

-----------------------------------------------------------

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.
Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

10 Tips For Spiritual Growth by Remez Sasson

Spiritual growth is the process of inner awakening, and becoming conscious our inner being. It means the rising of the consciousness beyond the ordinary existence, and awakening to some Universal truths. It means going beyond the mind and the ego and realizing who you really are.

Spiritual growth is a process of shedding our wrong and unreal conceptions, thoughts, beliefs and ideas, and becoming more and more conscious and aware of our inner being. This process uncovers the inner spirit that is always present, but hidden beyond the ego-personality.

Spiritual growth is of great importance for everyone, not only for people who seek spiritual enlightenment and choose to live in far away or secluded places. Spiritual growth is the basis for a better and more harmonious life for everyone, a life free of tension, fear and anxiety. By discovering who we really are we take a different approach to life. We learn not to let outer circumstances influence our inner being and state of mind. We manifest composure and detachment, and we develop inner power and strength, all of which are very useful and important tools.

Spiritual growth is not a means for escaping from responsibilities, behaving strangely and becoming an impractical person. It is a method of growing and becoming a stronger, happier and more responsible person. You can walk on the path of spiritual growth, and at the same time live the same kind of life as everyone else. You do not have to live a secluded life in some far away place. You can raise a family, work or run a business, and yet at the same time engage in practices that lead to inner growth.A balanced life requires that we take care not only of the necessities of the body, feelings and mind, but also of the spirit, and this is the role of spiritual growth.

10 tips for spiritual growth:

1. Read spiritual and uplifting books. Think about what you read, and find out how you can use the information in your life.

2. Meditate for at least 15 minutes every day. If you do not know how to meditate, it is easy to find books, websites or teachers who can teach you meditation.

3. Learn to make your mind quiet through concentration exercises and meditation.

4. Acknowledge the fact that you are a spirit with a physical body, not a physical body with a spirit. If you can really accept this idea, it will change your attitude towards many things in your life.

5. Look often into yourself and into your mind, and try to find out what is it that makes you feel conscious and alive.

6. Think positive. If you find yourself thinking negatively, immediately switch to thinking positively. Be in control of what enters your mind. Open the door for the positive and close it for the negative.

7. Develop the happiness habit, by always looking at the bright side of life and endeavoring to be happy. Happiness comes from within. Do not let your outer circumstances decide your happiness for you.

8. Exercise often your will power and decision making ability. This strengthens you and gives you control over your mind.

9. Thank the Universe for everything that you get.

10. Develop tolerance, patience, tact and consideration for others.

Spiritual growth is the birthright of everyone. It is the key to a life of happiness and peace of mind, and the manifesting the enormous power of the inner spirit. This spirit is equally present within the most material person, and within the most spiritual person. The level of the manifestation of spirituality is dependent on how much the inner spirit is close to the surface, and on how much it is covered and hidden, by thoughts, beliefs and negative habits.

© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power". Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.
Website: "http://www.successconsciousness.com/index.htm"http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: "http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm"http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.

Believe in Yourself!!! - Meredith Pollock

Today I want to talk about believing in yourself. There are so many people out there that have either given up or are seriously doubting themselves. Why does this happen?

Personally I think this is because we are with ourselves 24/7 non stop and we allow other people to influence our thinking. They’ll either tell you that your dreams are just that – dreams, or that you are wishing for the impossible or someone will tell you that you can’t lose weight or that you’re stupid etc. Then what you do is take them at their word and long after they’ve already forgotten what they said, you are still telling yourself that because they said it. You dwell on what they said because it may have hurt your feelings and now your inner dialogue keeps telling you that. I know this because I am guilty of doing it as well. But there is hope.

When someone for example tells you that you’re stupid just tell yourself that even though what you might have said or done was a little stupid, that doesn’t make you stupid. Say to yourself “so what I made a mistake I’m human, but I’m intelligent enough not to let what they say affect my life”, or if they tell you that your dreams are impossible or just wishful thinking, tell yourself “My dreams may be impossible or just wishful thinking for them, but they are my dreams, not theirs and my dreams are real” etc. You’ve got to learn to turn those negative comments or statements around to suit you.

Now I’m not saying it is easy and that it will happen overnight BUT if you continue to do it before you know it, you will no longer be allowing others or yourself to break you down. You will start to gain strength and confidence that will help you to believe in yourself once again. When it comes to your dreams and goals DON’T allow other people to steal them away from you.

When you hear those negative thoughts creeping in, confront them. Now if you are alone you can always speak to them as if you were speaking to someone standing in front of you, if you not alone I suggest you do it in your mind otherwise the people around you might just think you slightly crazy and ready for the loony-bin, which is definitely not the case.

Another point worth remembering is that many, many of our beliefs that we have about ourselves stem right back to childhood. When people or grown ups told you things, you didn’t know any better other than to take their word for it and this wasn’t their fault either as many of their beliefs came from their parents and their parents etc etc. But now as an adult (or young adult) you know better, you know you have the choice to believe what feels right and to toss the rest.

In order for you to believe in yourself again you have to let go of the negative things you tell yourself or hear from others. As Dr Phil so often asks “How’s it working for you?”. If it’s not working for you, you need to get rid of it, let it go. But at the same time you need to be building yourself up, speaking positive.

When you love or care about someone else you talk to them with respect, love and encouragement, that is how you need to talk to yourself. Tell yourself good things that you would say to others, hell even if you have to go and stand in front of the mirror and pretend that your reflection is the other person you love and adore, then do it. It may seem totally weird at first but as they say “Fake it till you make it”. Just do it, find ways that will work for you.

What works for me, may not work for you, so experiment, play with it and start to have fun with it. And in time you will start to feel good about yourself, your dreams and goals etc and best of all you will start to believe in yourself again. Just remember treat yourself like you would an honored guest in your house and that shift in your self-belief will happen!!!!! Believe it and believe in you!!!!

Does Your Ex Want You Back Or Are You Refusing to Accept Reality? By Christine Akiteng

Refusing to accept reality or optimistic denial is so common that sometimes men and woman who are trying to get their ex back come across as unreasonable in their thoughts and attitudes -- even acting like their ex owes them something.

Even when they intellectually understand that they are broken up, they find it really hard to accept -- and even feel confused - that someone who once loved them is now acting like a different person. This provokes intense emotional anguish:

-- "Why is he doing this to me?"

-- "So why does she want to talk to me now?"

-- "Why did she say she's never been happier with anyone else, but then dumps me?"

-- "Why does he say he loves me but doesn't want a relationship?"

-- "How could he move on so quickly? Didn't our relationship mean anything?"

Often times denial is simply a case of not wanting to look at the real problem...

As they try to cope with overwhelming feelings of rejection, uncertainty and unpredictability, some people look for diversions or distractions that help them deal with the unacceptable reality.

This is what I call the "escapist's trap"; a subtle but dangerous game in which the mind creatively rearranges information, distorts situational cues, and misinterprets the meanings of certain messages, all in a clumsy attempt to avoid addressing the real problem(s) and avoid personal responsibility. Quite often the mind engages in this dangerous game because there is part of the unacceptable reality that the person doesn't want to admit to (even to him or herself), so he or she tries to place the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else.

A few examples of "escapist's traps" include:

-- My ex is damaged and needs therapy;

-- My ex has commitment issues/ phobia;

-- My ex is very stubborn, nothing will work;

-- I think s/he is testing me;

-- My plate is full at the moment;

-- Everybody says I am wasting my time;

-- If only X would happen, everything would be fine!

These statements work as perceptual filters placed over reality only allowing in selective information that puts the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else. Even when empirical evidence suggests otherwise, the person finds ways to repress, minimize, misdirect, reinterpret or explain away information that does not filter through his or her perceptual filters.

Denial gives you the excuse to keep going unchanged because facing reality is too painful...
For example your ex might say:

--"I felt like something was missing", but what you hear is "I have problems with commitment";

-- "You're needy, clingy and controlling" but what you hear is "I am not good enough for a very loving person like you";

-- "You're too nice" but what you hear is "I am addicted to bad boys" ;

-- "I need space to figure out things for myself" but what you hear is "It's over!"

-- "I do not know about us" but what you hear is "You're wasting your time, nothing will work."

This is perhaps not so surprising given the fact people who tend to creatively rearrange information, distort situational cues, and misinterpret the meanings of certain messages to create a contrived reality, are risk and pain averse in the first place. They are so consumed with trying to avoid negative consequences and undesirable outcomes, to the point that they may not have even seen the breakup coming because they saw what they wanted to see or heard what they want to hear and didn't want to know, hear or see anything else that threatened their contrived view of reality. Now that the relationship has ended, the entire focus of their energy, effort and time is another contrived reality.

-- "I don't think she's happy without me"

-- "I think he misses me"

-- "I think she wants me contact to her"

-- "I think he wants to call me but is afraid I might not pick up the phone"

-- "Its the other man/woman controlling him/her"

And its not like the person is willfully lying. Its just that their reality becomes distorted, as they convince themselves about what is really going on.

A contrived reality has you working backwards instead of moving forward...

Instead of taking the necessary steps that will turn things around

-- like being less needy or controlling, stop trying too hard to please, become more interesting
and exciting, and all the other things may be making you less attractive, you are obsessed with getting your ex to go to therapy when he doesn't really need it; or you're trying to help an ex overcome commitment phobia when the reality is that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you because you're missing some of the qualities she's looking for in a guy; or you're doing no contact to try to make your ex miss you but only end up creating an even wider distance between the two of you. What a waste of energy, effort and time!

Escape from reality coupled with the feeling that you cant do anything at all puts you in a passive and dependent role

-- a victim to whom things are done. You find yourself feeling like you lack the emotional and psychological resources necessary to deal with trying to get your ex back; spending a lot of our time deciding what to do; and constantly trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Denial wont stop the reality from being real...

And even if your ex needed therapy or has commitment issues or phobia, a contrived view of reality creates a poor or very false sense of understanding of the complexity and scale of problem you pretend to address or handle. Trying to simplify the problem in order to lower exposure to threat and risk confuses the mind further making any attempts at attracting an ex back much more difficult.

It is important to understand that the escapist trap or use of escapist strategies, on most part, is not a deliberate attempt to distort information or sabotage the chances of attracting back an ex back, but a rather a reaction to the complexity of uncertainty and the need to deny personal responsibility. Sometimes, people who use escape strategies to try to attract their ex back are not even aware of their real agendas, but present the problem, often with perfect integrity, as the way they see it.

Refusing to accept reality or optimistic denial is a trap you must free yourself from...

If you are to succeed in attracting your ex back, it is imperative that you move beyond this denial as soon as possible. Your ex may even want you back, but the escapist strategies you're using make it hard to attract your ex back. And you wonder why nothing is working!

About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.

Christine AkitengLevel: PlatinumA zealous and inspirational figure with a captivating energy that pulls people to her, Internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach, Christine Akiteng is a dazzling icon ... ...

Does an Ex Ruin Your Life Or Open Opportunities For a New Start? By Colin Martin

Only you know for sure, but it does take some time for you to figure this one out. In the days and months following a bad break up, it seems as if your ex is doing everything they can to ruin your life. And you are extra sensitive to all the little things that can push your buttons.

After all, who knows you better than your ex? They swore an everlasting love to you, and suddenly they are your worst enemy. Nothing really hurts more than a trust betrayed. But you know deep down in your heart that you can get through this. The doors to start a new life will swing wide open.

You really have no choice than to start anew.

The time the two of you spent together will now have to be filled with activities of your choosing.

Half-heartedly you will look for "something to fill the time"...to take your mind off of the pain.

But these activities are the start of your new life. You have the freedom to do anything you now want to do. There will be no more asking for permission, no judgments or having to explain to anyone what you want to do or where you want to go. You can afford to take risks, find your niche in life and follow your dreams. There will be no more "That's stupid", "I don't understand why you would want to do that" or the ever popular "who's going to take care of the house?"

The biggest reason why couples fight is over money. But the biggest reason couples divorce is over one or the other partner losing their identity.

Having the freedom to do the things you want in life will be what matters most at the end of your life. Too many people say "I wish I had done (fill in the blank), but now it's too late."

Couples that support and encourage each other to find activities, together and apart, will be the ones that stay together.

Your new post break up activities will be the creation of your new life.

In your attempts to find peace, you are unwittingly creating the new you. A wiser you. A more fulfilled you. A freer you! No one can ruin your life but you. Giving someone else that power is not "freedom." You are in control even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes. Whether or not you realize it, your soul is healing itself every moment. Your new life has already begun.