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Friday, September 5, 2008

ACTualize a Better Relationship

When we worry about having a better relationship with our loved ones, we must always keep in mind that we live in a country where the lower chakra needs of food, shelter and clothing are no longer a primary issue. The homeless even have a place to go that is warm and offer a meal if they chose to accept it. But still it seems like we cannot get away from so many generations and lifetimes of poverty consciousness.

I think we still really have no concept of what it means to go hungry and to not know where our next meal is coming from. So often we see people go from low income to extreme wealth such as basketball players, musicians and actors. If you look at the pattern of what they do with their money you will find they spend it mainly on first chakra needs (or physiological needs). They buy many houses and cars and things. Usually that feeling of not having enough , we equate with not being enough. We live in a world where we are born dependent and have no chance of survival. So as a human race we have worked hard to meet these lower primary needs of food, shelter and clothing which correspond to the three lower chakras.

But what about the other four primary needs of safety, attention, validation and acceptance? All elements necessary to build a better relationship with others?Maslow has other names for these 7 primary needs, but in essence they are the same. In his model he even has a gap between Esteem needs or validation and Self-actualization or acceptance, I wonder why.

Self-actualization seems like this elusive and lofty destination that only the initiates have the secreat password which will grant them admission.Actualization is a term coined by Maslow and is only defined in terms of self actualization.So it is the act of making the self real. In this sense it appears that some action must be taken in order to get there as opposed to it being granted to you.So how do I become real and actualize a better relationship?

We cannot actualize a better relationship without being "in truth" to the Self. There is, of course, capital "T" Truth, which are universal laws and do not change for anyone. Gravity, is a perfect example of this type of truth. For it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, old or young, gravity will always work the same. Jump off a cliff, and splat! It is, however, in the lowercase "t" truth where changes can be made and where we need to focus our attention.

Your unique, lowercase "t" truth cannot be found in any book. It cannot be found in a bank account or in a new car. It is found within yourself, buried under the lifetime layers of wounds. It can be found under the fear, guilt and shame. Under the grief, lies and illusions and under the earthly attachments. It requires you to value your own opinions and your own uniqueness. This concept is something that sages have known for thousands of years. First, you must meet your own physical needs.

When talking about creating a better relationship, creating a safe place for yourself physically and emotionally, addresses this primary physical need. It is in this place that you must pay attention and validate your truth even if others do not agree. In the end you will be able to accept who you are - and from that place every action you take, every decision you make will be from this truth. And then you will have aquired a state of self-actualization. And actually actualize a better relationship.